Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
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If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Donkey Kong sommelier
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.