A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
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[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
it’s finally my moment to shine
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Optional boss fight.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.