I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
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In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Don’t forget to tip your server
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?