You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
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It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.