My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
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My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
mood
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I hope this email finds you in a well
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?