Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!