I’ve had relationships like this
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If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?