A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
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“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime