Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
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Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…