[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
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*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache