No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it