[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
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Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
😅🤣😂
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa