4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
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*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
The best plant holders?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this