My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
You Might Also Like
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Current mood: Potato
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far