Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
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man: wait
time: no
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
You deplete me
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab