Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old