I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
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Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
You’ll be OK
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”