11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
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Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared