Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️