[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
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I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.