My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
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Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops