While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I know karate and tons of other words.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.