Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Facebook memories be like
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂