dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
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Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*