According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
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AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.