Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
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I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!