*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
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No-one: I can hear screaming
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I love the honesty
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher