If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.