“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
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Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…