Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
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Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in