If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
You Might Also Like
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Twitter remains undefeated
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.