Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
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I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Spring cleaning checklist…
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
podcasts
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck