Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
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*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
cat faces on other animals, a thread