If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
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My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine