excuse me
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I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time