Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.