I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
You Might Also Like
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Breaking news:
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling