Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
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if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.