When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……