“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
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We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?