Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
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You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Sharon, call the vet
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
But is it really??
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.