They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
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Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
incredible book dedication
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices