Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
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I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
still the best tweet of the year by far
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
It do be feeling this way.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.