If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
You Might Also Like
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Never let them know your next move 😂
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.