Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
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To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
bugs when you lift up a rock
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.