We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
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Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
This will never not be funny to me.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.