Goat cheese is for herders.
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Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand