I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
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Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise