My only stock options are chicken and beef.
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The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.