Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
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*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
it is time once again
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Friday night party time 🥳
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
nyc:
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one